Back to the real world . . .

And a week has gone by since learning that our little bean was not to be a part of our lives, for now anyway. Today, there were actually more good moments then there were bad - giving me hope that maybe life will get back to some sense of "normal", whatever that is.

This week, life really sucked. Too much. But at the same time, Jake started saying new words - five or ten at a clip, and made funny faces at me, and Jake, Scott and I danced in the living room alot. This weekend, we celebrated our nephews birthday, and went to the Italian Festival. And laughed as Jake and Derek had a hug race between Grandma and Pop Pop before bed - They must have hugged each of them 20 times, and their laughter as they ran back and forth was contagious. So despite our sorrow, life keeps moving forward, and it is good. I was reminded this week that people, for the most part, are so good. We are so fortunate to have the support of family and friends to hold us up when we need it - That is heartening for me.

Tomorrow, it's back to the real world, and I intend to take it one day at a time, one hour at a time if need be. Back to work, and taking care of Jake, and hopefully not forgetting too much more (I've done a fair amount of forgetting this week!) Scott has a job interview Wednesday, fingers crossed. So I move forward, and though I realize it will still take time to heal, that process will be at least a little bit easier because of the love and support around me.

Today was a day I'd rather forget

Tonight, this will be short and sweet. It's 4 am , and I think, or perhaps I hope, that maybe now I can sleep. Maybe in the days that come I will add more thoughts, but for tonight, I am just overwhelmingly sad. I lost our baby today, no reasons, no rhyme, just not meant to be the doctor said. It was a physically exhausting night for sure, but emotionally, I am sure that the days to come might be tougher.

In a technique I learned long ago, and still am not so sure I believe works, there remains one shining light in this darkness, and I have to focus on that good. Jakey will be my beacon, and Scott's too I think, because for him, there is no sadness, nothing bad in this world yet. There is just Mama, and Dada, and blue puppy, and ice cream and so much love (OK and a small amount of stubborn, hey, he is my kid!).

So tonight, I am so thankful for my husband and son, for our family. And some day soon, I hope to think of our angel baby and find a smile, I know that our little bean will always be some part of our family. I know it's only one thing, not the requisite three, but hey, maybe tomorrow I can find another - I'll build from there.

Gestational Diabetes, Round Two

I saw the endocrinologist yesterday, and no surprise, sugars were high. Today, they were much better, with some slight diet modifications. While I dread the fingersticking, and eventual insulin shots, it is only temporary, so anything for little bean!

If you are not familiar with Gest Diabetes:
Pregnant women who have never had diabetes before but who have high blood sugar (glucose) levels during pregnancy are said to have gestational diabetes. Gestational diabetes affects about 4% of all pregnant women - about 135,000 cases of gestational diabetes in the United States each year.
They don't know exactly what causes gestational diabetes, but do have some clues. The placenta supports the baby as it grows. Hormones from the placenta help the baby develop. But these hormones also block the action of the mother's insulin in her body. This problem is called insulin resistance. Insulin resistance makes it hard for the mother's body to use insulin.

Will have to see what a few days of testing shows, but it looks like dietary control will work, at least for now. Off to the nutritionist tomorrow for a refresher on the diabetic diet during pregnancy. Bonus side effect should be some healthy weight loss, since I will have to give up the little baby's favorite foods like bagels, ice cream and peanut butter cups. Sorry little baby - it's for our collective health, so no Reese's until you are two, or as long as we can hold out before letting you know that chocolate is really good!

Weekends Go Too Fast!

This weekend flew by. Saturday we laid low, because after torturing Jake with two late nights of bargain shopping, he needed a day off. He played with his newly organized toys (thanks to Scott, who cleaned and organized Friday, much to my surprise when I arrived home!) and the day was over before we knew it. Of note, Jake is saying two and three word sentences with increasing regularity - "Close the door", "Need shoes please", "go bye-bye?". And fun things too - "Look mama, a clue" What kind of clue Jakey? "a Blue Clue!" I love watching him grow, but on the other hand, my baby is growing up so fast!

So after all that relaxing, Sunday we decided to go to yet another K-mart, where we scored the bargain find of the week - a Little Tykes Cozy Coupe for only $20! Final(?)tally, 4 days, 3 Kmarts, 35 toys, $213 Out of Pocket - Total Retail Value almost $800!!! Birthday and Christmas shopping for Jake is done, plus Derek and some other little ones done for Christmas as well. I feel very accomplished. I still might have to go to one more K-mart. Maybe I will leave Jakey home this time . . .

Home is Where Your Mama Is!

So I decided I should start a blog. This stroke of genius occured to me on the way home from work yesterday, while thinking about the many different things Jake means when he says "Mama".

Sometimes he is calling me, sometimes he is talking about me, sometimes he is answering my questions - Each response has a different inflection, different volume, different accompanying facial expression, it is seriously amazing how much the child attempts to communicate with one word.

Of course, if you know me, and I do know me, I quickly realized that maybe blogging is something I don't have time to commit to. Then, I came in from work, and Scott related the following:

He and Jake pulled into the driveway, and Jake began cheering that they were home. (He loves to yell "Wahoo!" lately. ) So Scott, attempting to get him to say the word home, said "Jakey, where are we?" He said Jake smiled from ear to ear and answered simply, "Ma Ma".

After I stopped crying (Damn hormones), I decided that I would blog, or at least give it a try. Today, someone, somewhere, will benefit from remembering that home is where your mama is. I certainly did.